Fake Boyfriend Sentiments
by Cardboard Edward
Summary: Valkyrie struggles to find a way to introduce Skulduggery to her parents after an unfortunate mishap. 'Teacher/boyfriend' probably wasn't the best title. Valduggery, oneshot.


And the last fic for Valduggery week. Check out the others if you haven't yet! :D

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In hindsight, they really should have been more careful.

Valkyrie had spent the entire car ride from Skulduggery's to her parents' house trying not to cry. War was coming – everyone said so – and she couldn't help but feeling like this was the last time she'd ever see them. Skulduggery noticed, as he always did, and when he stopped the Bentley, he followed her out of the car, façade on, and held her. She hugged him and his fake chin rested on the top of her head, and they stood like that for a while, and she felt like everything, for once, would be okay.

Until her front door opened.

"Stephanie?" Her mother called. "…Who's this?" Her father stood next to her, expression unusually hostile.

Valkyrie jumped and parted from Skulduggery, who immediately straightened to his full height. He only did that when he was intimidated.

"Um," Valkyrie said, looking at Skulduggery. She debated whether they should just run.

He hesitated only a moment. "My name is…"

"No," Melissa said. "I meant, who are you _to Stephanie_?"

Valkyrie shot Skulduggery a panicked look, and he sent one back. She was worried his fake face would start falling apart.

"He's my, um…" Valkyrie started. The hug was innocent, obviously, they were just friends, but … how would she explain why she was friends with someone so much older than her?

"Boyfriend," she finished, panicking, just as Skulduggery provided, "Teacher."

Her parents stared, expressions identical, thanks to twenty years of marriage.

"Teacher," Valkyrie said.

"Boyfriend," Skulduggery said.

Desmond narrowed his eyes. "Which is it, then?" He said, directing the question at Skulduggery.

He bit his lip softly. "…Teacher and then boyfriend."

Valkyrie ground her heel into his foot. He shot her an injured look, and she sent her best 'you're making it worse' glare back.

"I see," Desmond said. "And how old are you?"

Valkyrie pushed her heel deeper.

"…Thirty-three," Skulduggery answered. Valkyrie tried not to wince. It was an age that matched his face (maybe a little too young, but reasonable) but she was hoping he'd at least pick twenty-something.

"At least he's not lying," Melissa mouthed to her husband. Valkyrie read her lips, feeling as if her mother couldn't even grasp the extent of how wrong she was.

"And what do you teach?" Desmond continued his interrogation, ignoring his wife's comment.

"Self defense," Skulduggery said smoothly, and Valkyrie could have cried from relief. She squeezed his hand with gratitude. As her self-defense instructor he didn't have the same position of authority over her, and would have only met her after she turned 16 – making this situation far, far less creepy.

Well. As less creepy as her dating a thirty-three year old could be. God damn it.

"And what are your intentions towards my daughter?" Desmond said. She had heard him say this before – to Fletcher, ages ago. She had thought it was too much then, but that had nothing on the hostility in his voice now.

Skulduggery tilted his head at Valkyrie, and she shrugged.

"Mostly to teach me how to kick his ass if he ever hurts me," she said.

She saw her mother crack a tiny smile.

"And what about marriage?" Desmond said, voice low.

Valkyrie went red. For the first time, she really wished she had Billy-Ray Sanguine's magic. The ground opening up and eating her would be a blessing.

"If she'd have me," Skulduggery said, and then seemed to realize what he actually just said. His fake face flushed. "Uh. I, I, mean once she's finished university and has a stable job."

Valkyrie wasn't sure if her dad's face relaxed or he had a muscle spasm of rage. She decided to cut this torture short.

"Anyway," Valkyrie said, voice trilling. "He has to, uh, teach a class."

"Yes. Class. Very important. Will definitely get, uh, fired, if I miss it. So sorry to cut this short, Mr. and Mrs. Edgley," Skulduggery said, and he nearly ran to the Bentley.

Melissa watched as he drove away, and then whistled. "Nice car," she said to Valkyrie.

"I don't like him," Desmond said, and Valkyrie didn't doubt it in the slightest.

"Go inside, Des," Melissa said, and her father obeyed, probably to attack a dartboard or make a voodoo doll. Would a voodoo doll even work on Skulduggery? …Were voodoo dolls even real magic?

She'd have to ask him. If she was ever let out of the house again.

"He's very polite," Melissa said, and Valkyrie tried not to snort. "I almost feel like I've seen him before."

"Uh, no," she said. "He… moved here. Two years ago."

Melissa turned to look at her, expression carefully neutral. "Is that how long you've been dating?"

"What? No, God."

"Because that's about when you broke up with Fletcher, isn't it?"

"Mum, no, it's only been like," she faltered, frowning, searching for a reasonable number, "two months."

"That was not a man who had only been involved for two months," she muttered. "Des mentioned marriage and he didn't even flinch."

"He's just… old fashioned."

Melissa exhaled slowly. "So is he like… a sugar daddy, or-"

"_Mum_," Valkyrie said, mortified.

"I saw the car. And the suit. Oh, God, was he the one who gave you the necklace for your birthday?"

Valkyrie faltered, tongue-tied.

"He _was_. I knew there was something going on there. At least he's treating you well. He is, isn't he?"

"Yes," Valkyrie said, choosing to ignore the broken bones and near death experiences and the fact his evil alter ego had gorged her eye out once. "Very well."

"Well," she said. "He's far too old for you, but I know you can handle yourself. I'd be more worried about him, honestly. He's rather skinny, especially for a self-defense teacher. Tall, though. Never thought you'd find someone tall enough for you."

"Uh, yeah. Me neither."

"I'm going to go check on little miss. Tell her not to date men nearly twice her age before it's too late."

Valkyrie watched her go inside, and then cringed. She dialed her brand new fake boyfriend as she walked upstairs into her room. It was about ten pm, and she was tired.

"Well," Skulduggery voice came from her phone. "That was a disaster."

"No," Valkyrie said. "That went straight past disaster to "end of the world." Apocalypse, even. That was bad. That was really bad."

She stepped into her bedroom and started to pull off her shirt.

"I'm in your back garden," he said, and she made an alarmed noise and quickly pulled her shirt back on.

She opened the window for him.

"Are you trying to get killed?'

His façade was off, but she could feel his confusion as he pulled himself upwards. "I've done this a dozen times, Valkyrie, I won't fall."

"I mean staying in my bedroom. While my parents think you're my much too old for me boyfriend."

"…Ah. I didn't think about that."

"No, you didn't. Now shoo."

Skulduggery shook his head. "I'm worried about you. We never got to finish talking about the war, and your parents…"

She felt tears in her eyes, and fought them back. "It's fine. After that I think I'd rather not see them again." She forced a smile.

He look at her, skull tilted sympathetically, and went to hug her again.

She stepped back.

"We need to break up," she blurted out.

"What?"

"I mean. Fake break up. As fake boyfriend and girlfriend."

"I don't see why."

Valkyrie scoffed.

"Wouldn't it be nice to hide one less thing from them?"

"Are you stupid?"

He looked as offended as a skeleton could. "Excuse me?"

"Your façade, moron. It changes. They would be a little concerned on why my boyfriend had plastic surgery."

"…Right," he said. "But I don't want them to think I broke up with you after meeting your parents."

"What if I broke up with you?"

"I would have won you back," he said immediately. "Really, Valkyrie. It's like you don't know me at all."

"Yeah. You're quite the charmer."

"That sounded like sarcasm."

"Me? _Never_."

Skulduggery crossed his arms. "I would be an excellent boyfriend."

"Fake boyfriend."

"Right."

"As I was saying-" Valkyrie started, but Skulduggery suddenly stepped towards her, hand over her mouth. She heard her parents talking down stairs, and then silence.

She looked up at him, his impassive skull, and there was a long period of silence, unusually awkward for them. Today had been too weird. She started to turn, to look at the door, but he gently pulled her face back towards him. His hand slid down, cupping her chin. He slowly ran his thumb over her lower lip, and she swallowed hard.

He tilted his head so his teeth were by her ear.

In a whisper: "I would have won you back, Valkyrie."

She believed him. He released her, and she smoothed her hair back, trying to avoid thinking about the fact she was blushing heavily.

"You should stay here tonight," she said suddenly.

"What, after you told me your parents would kill me?"

"Exactly. I want to see if dad will throw someone out a window again."

He grumbled something.

"And," she said, in a much softer voice. "I feel better when you're here. Less stupidly weepy."

He looked at her for a long moment, and then nodded.

"Of course."

She gestured for him to turn around, and then she changed out of her clothes and snuggled into bed. He stood and started to settle into the chair in the far corner of her room.

"Over here," Valkyrie said, patting the comforter.

Skulduggery pulled back. "Uh. I don't think that's the best idea."

"What happened to the charmer?"

"He's worried about getting thrown out a window on the second story."

Valkyrie scoffed and reached to turn out the light. She waited a moment, and then snuggled against her pillow.

A few seconds later, she heard movement, and then felt the bed shift as Skulduggery kneeled.

"There's no room at all," he complained.

"Then get close."

"Valkyrie…"

"If you're _insisting_ on being my fake boyfriend, I want cuddles."

"Fake cuddles?"

"Real cuddles."

He sighed. "Very well," he said, and for a moment she wondered if this really was bothering him. Then he lay down, and she wrapped herself tight in her sheets and snuggled up against him, head on his bony chest. He didn't hesitate before softly stroking her hair.

"Thank you," she said.

"Not a problem, dear."

"Pet names already?"

Valkyrie thought he might have been embarrassed, based on his silence. "I've called you that before."

She frowned. "So you have. Were you having fake boyfriend sentiments all this time?"

"…Maybe not fake," he admitted quietly, and Valkyrie went silent, feeling her heart thumping in her chest. He could probably feel it too.

"You are way too old for me," she said, keeping her tone light. "And too violent." He scoffed at that one, but she continued. "And too bad at recognizing my obvious sarcasm. Also, my mother thought you were my sugar daddy."

"Wait." She felt him shift to look at her. "Seriously?"

"Yeah."

He thought a moment. "…She's not that far off."

"What?"

"You did make me renovate my house for you. And buy you all of those expensive things."

"You did that all on your own, thank you. Not my fault. I'm not some… gold digger."

"True. I don't regret it, just so you know."

"More fake boyfriend sentiments?"

"Maybe."

"I don't mind," she said. "You make a nice fake boyfriend."

"I can't say the same for you."

"Well, good, seeing as I'm not actually trying to be a boyfriend."

"I mean as a _girlfriend_. You've been nothing but cruel to me."

"Oh, harsh." She pushed herself upwards and then tried to find his cheek in the dark. She ended up kissing him towards the top of his teeth.

"Better?"

"Much," he said, sounding content. She felt weirdly giddy.

"I'm going to sleep now." She nuzzled against his chest.

"What do I do if your parents come in here?"

"Tell them I dumped that gross teacher for my biology class's skeleton."

Skulduggery sighed. "Charming, you are."

"Now who's being sarcastic?"

He started to turn on his side, causing her to slowly slide off him and fall to the ground. She shrieked, and he caught her before she fell.

"Ssh," he said.

"You're horrible."

"You just don't know how to appreciate a fake boyfriend."

"Or a real one."

He was silent. "… We'll talk about this tomorrow."

"Yeah," she said, yawning. "If you live through the night."

He sighed. "You are hazardous to my health."

"I try." She pulled up her blankets over the both of them, and then closed her eyes.

"Night."

"Goodnight, Valkyrie."

"You're going to be cringing at every little noise during the night, aren't you?"

He said nothing, and she laughed.


End file.
